Examen on Spiritual Fatherhood

ENLIGHTENMENT

In my reflections over the identities of the priest, I was struck particularly by the identity of spiritual father. One of the initial reasons has been the recent baptism of my godson. To witness the love of God the Father for his children in this sacrament allowed me to reflect on my own fatherhood for my godson, as well as the fatherhood I will have as a priest.

Through spiritual direction, I have worked to see God as a loving Father, as well as my king and redeemer. It has been at times a difficult journey, yet I can feel the loving embrace of the Trinity as It envelops me with love and healing. As the filthy garments of my previous life are slowly and gently removed (Zech. 3), I am becoming more and more eager to put on the rich apparel that God has for me in His loving embrace. With the help of the holy Spirit, my desire is to yearn for this consolation more and to see the work of God in me more clearly, that I may relinquish what I still cling to so stubbornly.

REFLECTIVE THANKSGIVING

As I said earlier, being present for my godson’s recent baptism allowed me to see in a clear way spiritual fatherhood and the joy and love it expresses to everyone, including the priest. As I sat next to my godson's father during the Mass, the realization that I will share in his spiritual life as well as his son's filled me with a sense of such gratitude. As a celibate, I will not have the opportunity to have biological children of my own, but I will still share in the generative love of fatherhood. I will still be able to teach, to protect, and to love my spiritual family. I will share in God's paternal love in such a beautiful and unique way. This self-gift is very attractive to me, because it assures me that I will find consolation when I begin to lose sight of my call to chaste celibacy in the loving embrace of the Father. In His gift of Christ for our salvation, God the Father gave us as men called to priesthood such a rich example to follow. He gave His Son, His closest and Dearest, in order to free us from our chains of sin and damnation. The fatherhood of self-gift is what I am being called to, and I am so very thankful for this.

PRACTICAL SURVEY OF ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES

A part of me suffers, however, because I will not be able to call a child my own in the physical sense, just as I will not be able to share my life and love with woman in a physically intimate way. I will not have the physical consolation of companionship or relationship, be it in a wife, son, or daughter. I cannot deny the hurt I feel because of this, yet there is, nonetheless, an underlying joy – joy in the consolation of my spiritual paternity. It is already evident in my life as a godfather, and increases in me as I get closer to priesthood. If, God willing, I become a priest, I will become an instrument used by God to share His paternal love to each of His children here on earth. I will bring spiritual infants into the world through baptism; I will put food on the table for my spiritual family in the gift of the Eucharist; I will bless the marriages of my children; I will kiss and mend the scrapes and bruises of sin in Reconciliation; I will lovingly sing to my sons and daughters and tuck them in to sleep through the Last Rites. I will be a father in sharing in the Fatherhood of God, and I cannot lose sight of this.

SORROW AND CONTRITION

This reflection brings to mind the barriers I have placed before my vocation. I can feel the battle for my own salvation in this, and all too often I choose the wrong side. Why do I seek out what I know will lead to death? Why can I not realize the loving embrace of the Father in my life? Wishing to hide who I am called to be has led to a numbness of spirit. Yet through the graces of my baptism and the Sacraments, I am always being given opportunity to restore my relationship to the Father. Just as the Prodigal Son knew, if imperfectly, the compassion and love he would be shown by his father in his return, so to must I come to the same realization. My sinfulness stands before me, naked and vulnerable. It is in the form of the Crucified Lord, the Beloved Son given by the Almighty Father, that my sin presents itself, and because of this I am overwhelmed with sorrow and repentance.

HOPEFUL RESOLUTION FOR THE FUTURE

This repentance urges on my desire to be closer with the Trinity in my vocation to the priesthood. God has opened up the way to discernment in an intimate way. He has shown me His paternal Love and kindness, not only in order to heal me of my wounds or to change my filthy garment, but to teach me to become the spiritual father found in the priest. With this knowledge, I can be used more effectively by God the Father to be the spiritual father of so many. I will become the instrument by which God’s healing can manifest itself in the world. I will baptize in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit; I will bind and loose sin; I will proclaim the Gospel of my Lord and my God. And I will be happy, because I share in Christ in all of this. How wonderful! How beautiful is this realization, this consolation, that embraces me. The Trinity envelops me in the rich apparel of its paternal love for me.

Thanks be to God.